'He said it feels like I don't trust him': 28-year-old faces pushback for refusing to combine bank accounts with live-in boyfriend who has $5k credit card debt

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Sep 20, 2025 9:00 AM EDT

Finances are one of the most important topics that every couple needs to be on the same page about. How much two people in a relationship earn and how they choose to spend it, both separately and together, dictates a heck of a lot when it comes to their shared lifestyle and happiness. When things get serious, it is one of the first areas to be tackled as a team.

It is no wonder, then, that many find themselves arguing about finances in their relationship. It is very common for there to be differing opinions about money, as well as differences in financial situations that end up putting a lot of strain on a connection. For a number of reasons, it is usually a wise idea for both people to keep some of their money separate, even if they do share many expenses. You never know what could happen when you aren't paying attention.

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  • This was the reasoning behind one woman refusing to join all her bank accounts with her boyfriend, who she had lived with for a year. With the two fairly settled and evenly splitting joint expenses, the man thought it seemed like the sensible thing to do.

    However, the woman was wary, as she felt they had different attitudes to spending. She wanted to protect her money from his more frivolous habits and to be able to keep track of her personal finances. He was upset at this revelation, and she wondered if she was being too harsh. 

  • a man shrugs behind a woman using a laptop and holding a credit card
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Am I wrong for refusing to combine bank accounts with my partner even though we live together?

    I'm 28F and my boyfriend is 29M. We've been living together for a little over a year now. Things are honestly good for the most part. We split rent and bills down the middle, we take turns buying groceries, and we each cover our own personal stuff. No kids, no major joint purchases yet.
    via Saucy-Anabelle23
  • A couple weeks ago he brought up the idea of us fully combining bank accounts. His reasoning is that since we live together and we're basically a family now, it would make more sense to have all the money in one place.
    via Saucy-Anabelle23
  • I told him I'm fine with opening a joint account just for bills and shared expenses and we could both put in equal amounts every month. But I really don't want to merge everything. I like having control over my own money and I've been saving aggressively for years.
    via Saucy-Anabelle23
  • a closeup of somebody looking at bills and receipts with a laptop in the corner
    via Ahmet Kurt (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Here's the thing. He's not terrible with money but he does have around 5k in credit card debt and he tends to spend a lot on impulse buys like electronics, random Amazon stuff, and eating out. I'm the opposite. I'm more frugal and I don't want my savings mixed in and slowly chipped away because of his habits.
    via Saucy-Anabelle23
  • When I told him this, he got visibly upset and said it feels like I don't trust him. He also said that if I really see us long term, why would I keep my money separate, and that it's like I'm preparing to leave. I tried explaining that it's not about planning for a breakup, it's about being responsible and protecting both of us. I reminded him I was willing to do a joint account for household stuff, but he said that feels cold and transactional.
    via Saucy-Anabelle23
  • Since then, he's been kind of distant and I can tell he's hurt. My sister thinks I'm being smart and that joint accounts are risky when you're not married. My mom, on the other hand, said she and my dad combined accounts early on and it worked fine, so she doesn't see why I wouldn't. Now I'm second guessing myself. Am I being too cautious? Or am I right to want to keep finances separate until there's a stronger commitment like marriage?
    via Saucy-Anabelle23
  • a closeup of a hand punching in a pin code at an ATM
    via Eduardo Soares

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Commenters agreed with the girlfriend's point of view.

    mariehotwife84 NTA. You're being smart. Until you're married, your finances should stay separate. A joint account for bills is fair and honestly the healthiest way to do it. Combining everything when you're not legally tied can get very messy if things go south.
    via mariehotwife84
  • youknowimright25 Nta. Your are not even married. Been with my wife for 18 years. We don't share bank accounts. We have a shared one for expences and savings. But we also have our own.
    via youknowimright25
  • AcctMelnPlease NTA. He's being very manipulative and showing you how he doesn't respect your opinion. His habits will not change and it would be wise to look at how he handles conflict and his spending behavior. If you get married, even with separate accounts, you agree to be responsible for his habits. Finances is the number two reason for divorce after cheating.
    via AcctMeInPlease
  • My husband had the same habits when it came to not respecting my opinion and spending. I found secret credit cards multiple times before we split. We split paying his debt just as much as we split paying for the home. That I purchased before we married. Because 50% of all the equity after marriage was his.
    via AcctMeInPlease
  • DifficultyNo3093 Never combine accounts! It's not smart. OP your idea is spot on!
    via DifficultyNo3093
  • CassiraGlell NTA. My ex pulled this same sh. I caved. Guess what my "joint" savings paid for? His new gaming PC, a last-minute trip for his friends? When I finally left, that account was empty and my personal one was the only reason I could afford a security deposit. Him being distant is a punishment tactic, don't fall for it.
    via CassiraGlell
  • andronicuspark NTA, kinda sounds like he needs money now and he's casually trying to manipulate you into giving up your finances under the guise of “but we loooovvvveee each other, we're faaammmillly"
    via andronicuspark
  • pahshaw NTA I have never ever heard of someone mingling their finances like this with a live-in boyfriend. It's preposterous. Don't entertain it for a minute. I really don't like how manipulative he's being about it. Of course a joint account for bills is "cold and transactional" yes hello? It's literally money for bills? Is this supposed to make him feel warm and cozy? Do you spoon with your utilities provider? Give huggies to your Internet bill? Like what?
    via pahshaw
  • Your mom is speaking from a time when it was difficult for women to do certain things without a man on the account, so it was actually probably easier for her overall to have a joint account. Also did she actually live with your dad and merge finances before marriage? Regardless, I'm thinking she has some pretty rosy glasses on, and I really wouldn't pay her any mind here.
    via pahshaw
  • coffeedoodle NTA. My husband and I didn't combine finances until we were married and bought a house together. It's no rush.
    via coffeedoodle
  • Archivist-exe I read boyfriend and immediately NTA Ill read the rest and add an edit if needed but no, never join bank accounts until marriage and even then only if you both align there
    via Archivist-exe
  • Consistent_Proof_772 Go watch judge judy a few times on YouTube and you will learn valuable life lessons
    via Consistent_Proof_772
  • wolfcrownebox The fact that he's pressuring you and behaving like that says he knows you have savings and wants access to it. Don't do it. And don't pop out a baby either NTA.
    via wolfcrownebox
  • tube-city NTA, he feels entitled to your money and if you combined everything he would spend yours the same way he spends his. Do you know for certain that is all the debt he has, or is that just what he told you? I'm not saying it isn't true but it's needlessly risky for you while being an obvious cash grab for him. Joint account for shared expenses makes sense. Giving someone access to your life savings when you are not married and have no legal protection does not make sense.
    via tube-city
  • brineme753 My mom always said to keep your own separate account even after married. You can ALSO have a joint account but to have your own separate so you can prove your purchases, your money etc. I understand no one getting married believes that divorce will ever come, but it is always in your best interest to protect yourself and never put you eggs all in one basket. NTA
    via brineme753

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